Life as we know it
by tiltingaxis
Summary: But the quarterback. That's his position. He was Finn, the school quarterback. That's who he was. Set during post 2x01.


**A/N: Set during post 2x01.**

* * *

It's quiet at three thirty in the afternoon in the hallways of William Mckinley. There's not a soul in sight, save for the two of them. The sound of Artie's wheels rolling against the linoleum echoes off the rows of lockers that surround them. It filters into his ears and resonates through his brain, the only thing he can hear. He's not sure what happened, but the way his heart is hammering against his chest and his stomach feels like its about to fall from under him, makes him aware that it's not good. He needs time for his mind to catch up with his physical reactions, for his brain to fully process the entirety of the situation. The new coach says he's out. He's out. _Out_.

He catches Artie glancing at him from the corner of his eye, his expression caught between guilt and terror. Suddenly, a white-hot blinding flash of anger passes through Finn. This wouldn't have happened if Artie hadn't been so insistent. This wouldn't have happened if Finn hadn't cared. This wouldn't have happened if he hadn't been so _stupid_. He grabs the edges of his shirt and clenches it into his fists. Artie's wheels have stopped rolling. They've reached his locker. A glove-covered hand reaches out for his and Finn opens his eyes to look down at his friend.

"F-Finn," Artie stammers and every single one of his feelings go away. "I'm sorry. I-"

"It's cool," he says, attempting to form a smile at the end of his words. He thinks it might come off as more of a grimace.

"But-"

"Catch you later dude," he mutters. With a small wave of his hand, Finn leaves Artie in front of his locker and slowly makes his way towards his own. It's still so quiet, and the sound of his own footsteps is almost too loud for him to bear.

It's not Artie's fault. All he wanted was Tina back, and Finn knows how it feels to want someone back. It seemed like a good idea at the time. They've never been the most normal football team in history. It seemed like a great idea. The closer he gets to his locker, the more he realizes just how fucking stupid he truly is. What the hell was he thinking anyway, trying to get a kid in a wheelchair on the football team? Idiot. He's a fucking_ idiot_. And now he's cut.

But the quarterback. That's _his_ position. He was Finn, the school quarterback. That's who he was. That's what made him popular. That's what made him _matter_. He thinks reality is finally sinking in as he sags against the metal door of his locker. He tries to think of tomorrow when everyone finds out he's been cut. Tomorrow, when he won't matter anymore. To anyone in this school. Except, maybe Rachel.

Oh God. _Rachel_.

The sound of his head hitting the metal is loud and and booming. Rachel. He was always behind her. Always ten steps too slow. And now? Now he thinks he just went back another million. Finn feels his throat close up. She's going to know. And then she's going to realize it. He's nothing.

_Nothing_.

Xxx

They sit side by side at the edge of his bed, their thighs touching. Hours after that scene in the locker room, and it's still so quiet. Rachel had found him, standing in front of his locker, staring off into space like an idiot. She didn't ask him what happened. She didn't ask him what was wrong. She just took his hand and led him to her car. They were both silent during the whole drive to his house. He vaguely wondered what happened to have made her so quiet, but then he remembered that life as he knew it was over and Finn went back to staring at the scenery that passed them by.

He knows that he needs to tell her. What's the point in not telling anyway? The whole school will know before the first bell rings tomorrow. But the words just won't form themselves in his head. Every time he tries to open his mouth to speak, nothing comes out. Beside him, Rachel has been fidgeting restlessly the whole time. There's a look on her face he doesn't like. She looks upset, guilty. He wonders again what happened to her. She places one small hand over his big paw and takes a deep breath.

"Finn I-"

"I got cut." The words tumble out of his mouth carelessly in a morose tone. Finn feels her whole body stiffen next to him. His eyes are still focused intently on her hand over his.

"What?" he hears her whisper. Rachel turns her body towards him and leans in closer.

"The football team," he said, louder this time. "I got kicked off the football team."

"Finn." She says his name softly, the hand he's still staring at is gripping his tightly. It's funny. It looks so tiny compared to his. But at this moment, it just looks so much stronger than his. She pulls at his fingers insistently, so he looks up. He sees the pity in her eyes and it takes everything in him not to look away.

Instead, he focuses on her face. All he could see is Rachel, surrounded by those little cowboys all over his wall. He looks at the small mole she has on the left side of her cheek, at the way her nose flares a little, like it's hard for her to breathe. Her cheeks are pink, like she's been holding her breath. He sees the way her lips seem to quiver. He wonders if she's like him too, at a loss for words.

"Yeah," he says to her left eyebrow. "Coach Bieste kicked me out. She said I was screwing with her. I wasn't though. Artie wanted to join the football team. He said he could be a human battering ram. I'm not sure what that is, but it sounded good. I just wanted to help. He and Tina are broken up and he wants her back and I wanted to help. So he tagged along to practice with me. And I swear, all I did was go up to her and and told her the dude wanted to try out, but then coach just blew her top and totally reamed me and I-"

"Finn." Her voice broke through his jumbled thoughts, and he realized that he was rambling. That's such a Rachel thing to do. "Look at me," she says softly.

"I am looking at you."

"No." She grabs his face in both her hands and turns his head a little to the right and now there's nowhere to look at but her eyes. "Look at me."

"I-" he starts. "I dont-"

"It's going to be alright," she says softly, her gaze boring into him. She looks so certain, so confident that he almost believes her. But it isn't. He knows it isn't. Because what was there left of him now?

"I'm the quarterback," he says stupidly. "That's who I am Rachel. The quarterback." There is a look of surprise that passes over her face and suddenly her hands leave his cheeks and her thumb is grazing over the skin under his left eye. He feels that wetness as her thumb moves across his cheekbone and he realizes that it came from him.

Fuck.

He's crying. What the _fuck_.

"Sorry," he mumbles. Now that he realizes that he's been crying, it's kind of hard for him to stop. And those fucking tears are just rolling down his face and all he can do is to shut his eyes as tightly as he can to stop them from coming out. He feels like such a dumbass now. He's nothing _and_ a pansy. He feels the springs in his old mattress creak as she stands up and wraps her arm around his shoulders and squeezes the life out of him.

"It's okay," she whispers against the crown of his head and those tears just won't _fucking_ stop and it's _pissing_ him off.

"It's not," he chokes out, his voice muffled against the wool of her cardigan. "I'm no one now." She pulls back and stands up straight. With him sitting on the bed, she's got a good two inches over him. Rachel is standing in front of him with her hands on her hips, looking affronted.

"You're Finn," she says firmly. "Not no one. You're still Finn." She says his name like it means something. She just doesn't understand. He's not like her. He can't just shine so effortlessly like she can with just his name. Who's Just Finn? No one. He's a nobody. Her name is up there in the lights because she just shines. The only reason Finn ever mattered was because being on the football team caused the spotlight to turn to him. Being on the football team gave him the light. He's not like her. He's not a star. He needs the spotlight.

Her face softens at the dejected look on his face and she steps closer. She leans down, just a little until their noses touch.

"I'm here," she whispers, her breath warm over his face. "I'm right here. Okay?" He circles his arms around her waist and pulls her towards him, crushing her body against his.

"Okay," he whispers back. She's not leaving. He knows she's not because the way her fingers curl into the fabric of his shirt and the way her lips mouth a silent I love you against the nape of his neck tells him so.

He doesn't let go of her. Not for the longest time.

And she doesn't pull away.

"Rachel?" he asks after he feels her legs start to tremble and he pulls her down onto his lap.

"Yes Finn?"

"What did you wanna tell me?" The fingers that were playing with the collar of his t-shirt stilled and she looks up at him and smiles. He notices the way that it falters.

"It's nothing," she assures him, kissing his cheek. "It's not important." Finn has a feeling that she's lying to him, but he couldn't summon the energy it takes to worry. So he just nods his head and tightens his hold around her instead.

Xxx

He goes to the Cheerios tryouts. He doesn't even know why. It's a long shot, he knows. But he figures something is better than nothing. It doesn't end well. He guesses he kind of knew that already too.

Xxx

Mr Schue calls out to him as he steps out of the locker room, after spending an hour with the shower beating down his head, groaning at his stupidity once again. The look on his teacher's face is grim and when he says they're going to the principal's office, Finn lets the little bud of hope in him grow. Mr Schue will fix this. He always does.

Xxx

He doesn't know what's going on. He's sitting there, between Mr Schue and the coach, and they're both yelling into his ears, yelling at each other. He tries to speak up once, tries to tell the coach that he needs this. He needs football because it's everything he's ever known.

"I thought you were the Glee guy," she says and once again he's in the quicksand, wedged in between the door that separates Glee and the rest of who he is. And he's sinking fast. His teachers are arguing again and now he's confused as hell. Now he doesn't understand anything. Because he's in the middle of this and they're in front of principal Figgins because of him, but he doesn't think that anything that are coming out of their mouths have anything to do with him. And it's not because he's too slow to understand.

He wonders if now that the spotlight's gone, he really has become invisible. If he's nothing to the point where he's see-through.

Because he doesn't think anyone in the room even remembers him there anymore.

xxx

He waits for Sam because Sam is just like him. He knows this the moment he saw the boy singing his heart out in the locker room. Because a year ago, Finn was Sam. He was the boy who was too scared to sing outside of the showers. And so like he did a year ago, he knew Sam was coming.

It's 4.58 p.m. And Sam still hasn't showed. He sees Rachel standing up and babbling perkily about no one coming to audition and he doesn't understand what she's so happy about. Everybody's leaving, but he knows that Sam is coming. He tells them to wait because Sam is his buddy and Sam looks up to him, so Sam is coming. Kurt gives him the reality check.

"You're no longer the quarterback. You're not the Pied Piper anymore. No one's going to follow you around thinking everything you do is cool" he says nonchalantly as he walks away. That's when Finn remembers. Mr Schue had to twist his arm for that first club meeting. He didn't want to do it because he was a somebody and Glee club was for nobodies. He was just like Sam.

And he knows Sam's not coming.

Xxx

Rachel screwed up. Rachel really, really screwed up. He walks into the auditorium and finds her sitting alone in the seat on the front center of the stage. Everybody else is far away and she sits alone. He's a little upset with her, but she was there for him before. Now it's his turn. So he walks past the rest of the Glee club and walks down the few steps to where she is. He plops down onto the seat next to hers and she looks at him in surprise. He smiles to tell her that he's not mad and she beams at him so brightly, he figures he could probably never be mad at her for anything.

Sunshine is good. Sunshine is really, really good. He's trying not to smile, for Rachel's sake. But it's hard and he feels the involuntary grin grow on his face. He feels the tension radiating around his girlfriend and places a hand on her lap. He squeezes her thigh just a little when the small girl on stage hits a spectacularly impressive note and Rachel's eyes bug out of their sockets.

Everybody loves Sunshine and her big voice the way nobody loves Rachel and _her _big voice.

And he gets it. He gets why Rachel did it.

Xxx

He tries one more time. Because Glee could use a voice like Sam's. Because Sam is good, and because if Sam is anything like him, than Glee would be good for Sam. He doesn't succeed.

But he does find out who the new quarterback is.

Xxx

They're ready to kill her. Each and every single one of them. Even Mr Schue is glaring at her retreating figure like he wants nothing more than to throw Rachel out of the club. He takes a deep breath and faces them with his chin up. He's the only thing standing in the way of Rachel and certain doom.

"Look, guys." he began before Kurt throws his hands up into the air.

"That girl is _insane,_" Kurt exclaims in fury. "She is certifiable!" He sees the rest of them nodding their heads vigorously, Santana rolling her eyes in the process and Puck muttering under his breath about crazy Berry and the mental institution.

"C'mon guys, it's Rachel," he tries helplessly.

"Exactly," Mercedes cuts in angrily, standing next to her bestfriend with her arms crossed over her chest. "It's Rachel. Girl's selfish and she's crazy and apparently, willing to ruin Glee just so she could be 'the star'. Why should we keep her?" she asks Mr Schue. From the look on his teacher's face, Finn figures Mr Schue is thinking the same thing.

"She made a mistake guys," he says quickly before her words could sink in. "She was just scared. Won't you be if you think someone's coming to take something away from you?" he asks Tina, who's sitting by the piano.

"I won't have given the girl directions to a _crack den_."

"But you'd feel threatened won't you? Won't you?" he asks again to the stony faces before him. "C'mon. We all know what it's like to be scared that someone's going to take away something that belongs to us." He looks meaningfully at Artie, and the boy gives a sidelong glance to the girl sitting on the piano.

"Yeah, we won't _do_ anything about it. But we'd still feel it, right? It's Rachel guys. We can't do this without her. We won't be Glee without her." They said nothing.

Quinn and Santana looks bored by the whole thing and he hopes that means they don't care enough to vote against her. Brittany looks lost and confused as usual and Puck sits off to the side, muttering "Whatever" under his breath. And Artie fucking owes him. So that just leaves everybody else, and Finn figures they're both safe. As long as Mr Schue is still on their side.

"You need to talk to her," Mr Schue finally speaks up as he massages his temple. The old man sighs and looks at Finn. "You need to tell her that if she does this again, she's going to be in grave trouble. This is serious Finn! We needed Sunshine. She was our only shot. We can't go to Sectionals without a twelfth member." Finn nods his head enthusiastically, immensely relieved.

"I will," he promises. "I swear. I'll go talk to her. Right now." He struts towards the exit, ignoring the glares directed at the back of his head. He slips out the door quietly, trying to close it without making any noise.

She's standing a few feet away from the door like a statue, her shoulders tense. Finn looks at her back for a few seconds, collecting himself, before he steps forward. Now that she's homefree, he finally lets the frustrations he's been keeping at bay move to the surface. What the hell was she thinking? What could have possibly gone through her head that could make any of this justifiable? It's like she feels his presence though, because before he could reach her, she's already speaking to him.

"What did they say?" she asks quietly.

"Well, I talked them out of giving you a _code red,_" he answers, unable to keep the reprimanding tone out of his voice. He slips his hands into the pockets of his jeans to keep himself from touching her. Even from her back, he could see how shaken she is. But he's too upset to lay a comforting hand on her.

"They were _pissed_. And they had the right to be. What you did was _bad_ Rachel," he continues angrily, staring at the back of her head in frustration. She keeps making it so _hard _for him to defend her. She makes it so hard for people to _see _her the way he does. And it pisses him off that she just had to turn around and do the worst possible thing to try and keep them all by her side. And now all she's done is push everyone else further away. She just knocked herself back to the bottom of the stairs.

"We could have used Sunshine to beat Vocal Adrenaline." He wonders if she gets it. If she understands just how much she had lost from this and how worried he is now that she's going to have to start all over again with the rest of them. Because they don't trust her. Not anymore. "And now they're just _that_ much stronger." He's not done yet. There's more left that he wants to say. But she's already turning around to face him and the look on her face stops him from saying anything else.

"Just do it already," she says quickly as she stares straight into his eyes, her expression caught between conviction and fear. He wishes she would just stop being so fucking confusing all the time, especially when he's trying to be mad at her.

"What?" he snaps.

"Break up with me." He pulls back a little, staring at the resigned expression on her face in surprise.

_What? _What is she talking about _now_? She's still talking and her words aren't making any sense.

"Okay? We both knew it was just a matter of time," she finishes quickly, staring off to the side, refusing to look him in the eye. He wonders what she means by both of them, because he sure as hell didn't receive _that _memo. Did she really think he was going to break up with her over something like this? Has she forgotten that he knows her? Knows exactly who she is and why she did it and how much she regrets it?

_God_. He thought after a whole summer together, she would know better by now. He wonders why he's not as insulted by this as he should be. A little part of him feels a little like a dick for screwing up so much before, because apparently the girl he loves thinks he'll drop her at any moment. But even if that's true (Not that it is. Not in the slightest.), she has nothing to worry about anyway. He's no one now. He's the one who should be worried about this.

"I think you're forgetting I'm not the quarterback anymore," he says slowly. He stumbles on his words just a little and he hopes she doesn't notice. From the way her defiant eyes seem to soften, he knows that she did. "I'm just another Glee loser now."

Worse. He's worse than every other Glee loser because he knows that the truth is, none of them are. Each and everyone of them is special and unique. None more so than the girl standing right in front of him. They know who they are, and they know what they're good at. The only thing he had brought to the table was his popularity and his decent singing. But he's not great like her. And now that he's lost his popularity, now that his reputation is shot to hell, he's the only real loser in Glee. He looks at Rachel and she's hanging on to his every word and he knows he needs to tell her the truth.

"Fact is, you should be breaking up with me,"he says, looking away as those words slip out of his mouth because she just might agree with him, and he couldn't look her in the face if she does.

But there. He said it. He's finally said the truth. She's better than him. She's always been better than him and now she's going to know it. She's staring at him intently, her huge brown eyes wide and searching and he hopes to God she makes this quick. Because if now is the time for her to realize what a nothing he is, and if now is the time for her to tell him so, he needs a fifteen second headstart to the bathroom before he completely loses his shit right there in front of half of the student body. She shakes her head imperceptibly.

"I'll never break up with you," she says in an almost whisper, almost as if she's afraid of how he's going to react. She looks up at him and it feels like she's staring straight into his very core, like she's seen everything, and it's everything she wants. Her gaze bores into his unflinchingly, all her feelings laid bare and open. He feels the truth of her words pouring out through the intensity of her stare. And they almost feel heavy. They _would_ be heavy, if it wasn't for the fact the he feels the same way.

This is real. He thinks this might be forever.

He feels his lips pull up a little to his right as something almost like happiness starts to form in the middle of his chest. But this isn't about him. It's about her. And he knows she needs to hear it just as much as he does.

"Me neither," he answers simply, because it's the truth.

He sees the way her eyes seem to turn glassy and leans down as she stretches upwards. They meet halfway. They press their lips together softly, and he hopes she could feel just how much he needs it, his innate need for her presence. He thinks, as her lips presses against his just a little firmer, that she's probably trying to tell him the same thing. She pulls back and he instinctively follows, leaning forward just a little. They both pull away at the same time, and she looks at him for a second before she looks back down.

"I did it for the team, you know," she says and he wonders if maybe she's been repeating this line so many times, that she's starting to believe it herself. No. He knows better. "I just- I- I love everybody so much, I didn't want anyone else coming in and interfering." He stares at her, unable to keep that feeling of dissapointment from welling up in his chest.

"You gotta stop saying that Rachel," he says slowly. "I care about you and everything, but you gotta admit the truth. You didn't do this because you love Glee club. You did it because you love yourself more." It pains him to say the words, pains him to look at the expression on her face, but those words needed to be said. And he's the only one who can say them, the only one who cares enough to say them. She looks up at him guiltily and she just shrunk two sizes smaller and he wishes she'd never done it in the first place because he hates the thoroughly chastened look on her face, and he hates that he's the one who put it there. His hands go into the pocket of his jeans once more because he just doesn't know what to do with them.

"Okay," she finally concedes. "I didn't want anyone else hogging my spotlight, okay? I love it too much to let it go that easy." She looks up at him earnestly, almost as if she's willing for him to understand. He does understand. That's the problem. He understands completely, because who he is now is exactly what she was so afraid of becoming. But now she's losing so much more than she bargained for and he's the last person on earth who's going to drag her even further down. The expression on her face changes again as she looks down, the remorse evident on her face.

"Do you think that they'll ever forgive me?" she asks in a small voice.

"They'll come around," he says reassuringly. At least, he sure hopes so. "I think apologizing would be a good start," he suggests. She nods and he smiles a little, hoping it would soothe her nerves. Taking his right hand out of his jean pocket, he grabs hers to lead her back to the choir room. But Rachel doesn't budge and tugs against his grip. He looks back at her questioningly as she runs her thumb over his knuckles before gently pulling away from his hold. She's not coming with him.

"Where are you going?" he asks, concerned.

"The auditorium. I just need some alone time first." She looks at him, and nods her head a little, almost as if to assure him that she'll be fine. She lets go of his hand and it hangs in the air as she turns away from him and walks down the hall. He watches her retreating figure, checking himself from calling out her name or from following her. She wants to be alone. He should give her time to think. And it's probably a good idea for her to stay away from the other Glee kids. At least for now.

But he can't help it.

He wants so desperately to call her back, because the feel of her hand in his reassures him. And now that she's gone, he goes back to feeling that emptiness again. He pushes the door of the choir room open and is greeted with the sight of Tina and Mike, laughing like loons as he twirls her around the choir room. Nobody actually notices his entrance, so Finn takes a seat on the table nearest to the door. Propping his feet on the chair in front of him, he wonders when Rachel is going to come back. He wonders where she went and what she's doing. All he wants right now is for her to be here next to him and hold his hand, because she's the only thing that's important now.

Maybe one day he'll find something else that'll make him matter like football did.

Maybe one day she'll realize that there is so much more to her than just her voice.

They were both long shots.

But then again, Finn figures that he thought falling in love with Rachel Berry was a long shot too.

So it could happen. Maybe.


End file.
